Let Me Dance You

by LAZËR

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George J
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George J Probably the funniest CD I have ever heard Favorite track: The Führer'z Decree.
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    • Lazër Crow T-shirt (American Apparel, your choice of size)
    • Lazër Crow sticker and 18" x 24" Let Me Dance You poster
    • Muzik videoz for "Lazër Party Countdown" and "Night Movez"
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1.
There is something evil here... There is something evil here... It is only beginning... In the future, a crow will be born A crow with a "lazër eye" Many will try to harness its powers But only three will be sexy and dangerous enough to keep him Briso... Hammel... Keinhorst... Together, they form Lazër And as such, these "Sonz of Rhineland" Work to uphold the integrity of the dance Lazër breaks the rules and laws, Cutting rugs like dancing saws
2.
Attention dancing slavez: Lazër iz surveillancing you from helicopter We command for you to begin dancez before we land Or suffer a fate or our choozing Dance now! Oh no, excuze me, Lazër iz needing for you to get off the helipad We cannot land the chopper Please do not dance right there No, not right there slavez. Yes, move pleaze Thank you, that'z better T-Minus 20 seconds and counting The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party Countdown Eight... Warning! Seven... Heating! Six... Smoking! Five... Writhing! Four... Burning! Three... Melting! Two... Hammel, sound the alarm! Lazër Party Countdown Total system lockdown Lazër Party Countdown Sexy body meltdown Attention dancing slavez: There iz good newz and bad newz Good newz iz Lazër iz sexy Bad newz iz one of you will be a sacrifice Pleaze can you do us a favor And stop trying to be Lazër You should have the good behavior You can never be the Lazër If you are the Lazër hater Keinhorst sting you with the tazer Then we get the gun with lazër Shoot like Indiana Pacer The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party The Lazër Party Countdown Eight... Warning! Seven... Heating! Six... Smoking! Five... Writhing! Four... Burning! Three... Melting! Two... Briso, sound the alarm! Lazër Party Countdown Total system lockdown Lazër Party Countdown Sexy body meltdown
3.
03:23
Weapon activated Do not anger the crow This crow bringz danger, 'cauze this crow haz lazër This crow iz not a movie Lazër Crow iz a doozy Do not look in eye of Crow Lazër iz in eye of Crow You should like the Lazër Or Crow doez not like you Crow iz only taking order from Lazër Do not anger The crow making dangerz Because this crow Iz only crow With lazër Hey, stop! Keinhorst, stop the muzikz. Yes, stop the beat. This line iz much better if it'z just Briso. Uh, no. We trade off every line. Stick to formula, Briso. Well, new formula: Hammel = shut up, Briso = sexy. Keinhorst, do a rewind. No! Keinhorst, no! Damn it Keinhorst, turn it off! Give me the microphone, Briso. No! Ow! No! Ow, get off me! Ah, you bit me! Ah, you idiot! You knock over my Segway! Caw! Caw! Oh, no. Get up! Oh, yeah. Crow, we just playing around. Yeah, just for fun. It'z a play-fight. Yeah, yeah. We ready to go again, we ready to record. Caw! Caw! Peck, bite, kill, strike Lazër muzik, you should like Peck, bite, kill, strike Lazër muzik, you should like Crow iz biting, Crow iz hurting Crow iz biting, Crow iz hurting This crow iz not a movie Lazër Crow iz a doozy Crow give you two secondz to decide if you like the Lazër He hover in front of you You decide wrong choice Crow shoot lazër and peck you! Caw! Do not anger The crow iz making the danger Everybody must dance for the crow, or the crow will strike you! Dance! Dance! Dance, dance! Now you must dance for Crow! Dance! Dance, dance! Dance! Now you must dance for Crow! Dance! Caw! Caw! Crow doez not care about your family!
4.
Oh, yes, it's very dirty right there. Clean it. Yes, good. That is good, right there. Who is it? Idiot. Come in! Mein Führer, our military patrols have discovered large amount of funky beats in hills of Rhineland! The townspeople is saying the beats is coming from a castle occupied by a squadron called… "Lazër." General, why must you pester me with these... trivialities? Can't you see I'm being bathed by two plump whores? Where else should I be washing you, mein Führer? Silence you overweight trollop! Get me more grapes, slut. General, who are these "Lazërs" you speak of? We have very little informations at this point. Lazër is a mysterious group, and there castle is shrouded in... shrouds. Shrouded in shrouds? Don’t you mean "shrouded in mystery?" Well, yes, but I already said they were a "mysterious" group, so I wasn’t wanting to be redundant. Anyway, their music is floating down the mountains and bringing joy to the impoverished masses we have worked so hard to oppress. The council has declared Lazër a threat to our regime. General, it is seeming your memory fails you. My tanks crushed all forms of happiness in the early years of the regime. There is no music left. Forgive me, Führer, but I hear this music with mein own ear! These are most funky beats in Europe! We must quell this uprising immediately to prevent the spread of hope among the people. Hmmmmmmmmm… Clean around more on this side, yes. Over here, yes. Mein Führer? The army awaits your command! And where the hell are my grapes? Führer?! Time is of the essence! Silence! This calls for a more severe punishment. Send in the Nazi Pirates! Ah… very good! You are one of my best sluts. These are seedless grapes, right?
5.
Briso, have you seen Keinhorst? We were supposed to play Dance Dance Revolution today. Be quiet, I'm trying to cook my TV dinner. Where iz the door on this microwaver? That iz not microwaver you buttwipe, it iz radar machine. Oh yeah, then why did it just make a "beep beep?" What?! It made a beep? Move your Salisbury steak off the screen. Um… Hammel? Why iz a giant swastika moving at our house? That iz formation used by the Fürher'z Nazi piratez! Oh, poop. Quick, go and wake the crow. Find Keinhorst and tell him to raize the drawbridge. You want to fight the Lazër We cut you up like razor Your mission now in danger Abort it with coat hanger We are bad guy eraserz Like Arnold Schwarzenegger'z You'll never beat the Lazër And kidz, don't talk to strangerz! Come on Crow, pleaze awake now Come on Crow, help us fight now Come on Crow, Jesus Christo Come on Crow, wake for Briso I know, I know, last time I joke you But this time Naziz really broke through! Come on Crow, we need you to fly And shoot everybody with your lazër eye! Stop it! You have to fight for Lazër You have to bring the danger You have to uze the anger You have to be the savior Come on Crow, pleaze awake now Come on Crow, help us fight now Come on Crow, you're the best now Come on Cro… oh poop! Don't do that. Lazër, this iz Hammel. I am hanging from ropez in the belfry. I killed 25 Nazi Piratez by pouring acid on them. Keinhorst, what iz your status? Um… Hammel? This iz Briso. I think I saw Keinhorst swimming in the moat dressed like alligator. Keinhorst, respond! How many Nazi Piratez did you kill? I saw him eating a lot of drugz. I think he probably scared some of the Naziz away. Well tell him to get up here. The radar showz there iz more wavez of Naziz approaching, and it iz looking like the Führer iz with them! Briso, how many did you kill? Uh… I don't know, I spend 20 minutez trying to awake the crow. Look, just get him some grubbywormz from the jar on my bureau next to the lotion. Oh no, there'z the Führer! Now I must kill the Lazër They give me so much anger After I shoot you wankerz I’ll find your mom and spank her Call me the Terminator Like Arnold Schwarzenegger Your crow won't bring the danger Keinhorst iz alligator! Destroy them! No! No! Mein Führer! Oh, no! Ah! Ah! Caw! Caw! Ah! Aaaaaaaah!!! Caw! Caw! Lazër, it lookz like we've driven the Naziz away. Good job guyz. Report to me now with your status. Caw! Caw! What'z that? You killed 250 Naziz, Crow? Great job. Briso, what about you? I cannot believe it, me and Lazër Crow killed 250 bad guyz. Right, Crow told me he killed 250, but how many did you kill? You're breaking up. I’m sorry, I have to go now. Whatever. Keinhorst, how many did you kill? Keinhorst, report! Keinhorst?!?
6.
05:17
Keinhorst? It's me Briso. I can't believe you drown in the moat when we were fighting Naziz. Me and Hammel iz wishing you were still being here. Our inside partz iz hurting so bad to be with you. But I know you are floating with Mr. God in outer space right now. And one day, you will become the awesome skeleton. And one day also, me and Hammel will be the skeletonz. And that iz only reason we still are having any hope to be alive. Just today, I hear somebody say My friend, Keinhorst, iz not alive It's not fair, to say this to my fragile earz I tell myself that you are not dead But instead you are very dead Fragile earz (fragile earz) My fragile earz (hiz fragile earz) I can't believe what my eyez can see So you tell to me again (tell to me again) Fragile earz (fragile earz) Can't fight the tearz (can't fight the tearz) Becauze you die, I have to cry But I am not the gay (he iz not the gay) Briso said he found your body dead This cannot be, you're just asleep becauze you overdosed on speed But... somehow I feel, this time it'z real deal You're gone for good, and I wish you would Come back, but not az a ghost, I'm afraid of ghostz Fragile earz (fragile earz) My fragile earz (thoze fragile earz) I can't believe what my eyes can see So you tell to me again (tell to me again) Fragile earz (fragile earz) Can't fight the tearz (can't fight the tearz) Becauze you die, I have to cry But Hammel iz not the gay (Hammel iz not the gay) I wish you were here, but you're dead, but I love you Keinhorst, it'z me Hammel. Um, you know... this waz not a best time for you to die for me. Um, number A, I waz supposedly to get that rematch in DDR. I guess I am having to consider this a forfeit. Uh, number B, you left all your stuff to the crow. I gotta be honest, I'm having a hard time with this one. Caw! Ugh. The crow sayz, "Hi," by the way. Uh, number C... uh... um... damn it! My paper'z all wet now. But, who carez anyway, that iz all "bridge under the water." I remember all the fun timez we made, Like when you did heroin and I made a trick that I was the witch in your clozet. And... ow! I think I stepped on jellyfish! Okay, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, Keinhorst. Hammel, come quick! I find a Jawz! Be quiet your mouth, Jawz. Briso, stop it! Hey, stop it! Quit hitting him! It'z not a shark you idiot, this iz beached whale. He'z endanger. Here, help me push him back in ocean. Beached whale iz heavy! There you go, Mr. Whale, you're free. Make a swim to your home. Goodbye, Jawz. Thanks guys! Wanna ride me around for a while? Umm, well, hmmm... Yes.
7.
Hammel, are you sure it iz safe to be riding whale in ocean? I think the whale knowz what he iz doing. Um, okay, but I get to ride on front. Okay, I don't care. Hang on tight, it's gonna be slippery! You might wanna hang onto my fin. Whoa! What the fish iz you doing, whale? Do we look like we have gillz? Oh, my bad, wussies. I'll keep your heads above water from here on. Ah! That seagull just made a crap on me! Who carez? Look how fast we iz going! Woo hoo! Oh look, a manatee! You were right, Hammel, this iz the best! It'z so fun, it'z like, so much fun, it'z like weeeeeeeeeeeeee! I know, it'z awesome! Sorry I punch you, Jawz. I didn't know you were super fast! Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh weeeeeeeeeeee! Hey, Flipper! Where'z Jonathan Brandis? I can't see Rhineland anymorez. How far are we going, Hammel? I don't know. Why don't you ask the whale? Hey Jawz! Jawz! Doez he have earz? Of course he doez, but they're underwaterz. Hold on, I think he iz making a stop. Oh, that was so fun! Thank you for the ride! Yes, I love you, Jawz! But now we can be going home, yes? First of all, I'm not a shark you idiot. Secondly, I'm gonna take a little detour down to the Gulf of Mexico if you don't mind. Got a little she-whale I need to holler at down there. Um, we iz really needing to get back to Rhineland. Oh my God, he'z a monster Hammel! Okay, sure! We go see your friend first. Good idea! Well, actually, I'll need some privacy, so I'm gonna drop you guys off on the beach. Now I'm gonna dive really deep, so hold your breath. If you need air, just put your face in my blowhole and suck. Hold oooooooooon! Wait, Jawz! When iz you coming back for us? I don't think he'z coming back. Oh, no!
8.
You have one unheard message. First message: Hey there, Lane Rackets, Whale Voice Records. Listen, everybody here at the label's really excited to have Lazër on board, but we haven't seen you boys for a couple of weeks, and that advance money you got came on the condition that you hold up your end of the deal. So if you could, give me a holler. Let's set up some time for you boys to get in the studio with our engineers and make a hit record. Hell, this week, Jared from Subway was in here for a few hours with his new industrial band... amazing stuff! Speakin' of, I'm thinkin' of gettin' y'all together for a little collabo. Ah... I'm sorry, I'm puttin' the cart in front of the horse. For now, let's just focus on you guys. Call me. (End of messages) Hello. I'm the old fart you heard at the beginning of the record. Well, Briso and Hammel have signed a record deal in Texas after being taken for a ride by what I can only assume was a sperm whale. Unfortunately, Keinhorst didn't make it, but I'm not sure he did much anyway. The real question is: What are they going to do without their beloved mascot and bodyguard, Lazër Crow? Ah, the hell with it! I'm drunk. Hammel! Hit me with the drums! Oh snap! This beat is dumb nice. Uh! Uhhhhh! I'm feeling you Hammel, I'm feeling you. Oooh! Damn, that's hot! Good lord, man! This beat go hard. Ya heard me? Holla at ya boy.
9.
04:44
Sneaky sneak, smoothy smooth. Sneaky sneak, smoothy smooth. Sneaky sneak, smoothy smooth. Sneaky sneak... oh yes! The Rhineland government haz sent Lazër to your discothequez. We are ambassadorz for dancing. Americanz iz too buzy trying to dance and be the cool, So now we are having to show you... Night Movez. Dance! Dance, dance! Dance! Dance, dance! Dance! Dance, dance! Dance for Lazër! I want to do the Night Movez I want to lose control And tonight when no one'z looking No meanz yes and yes meanz no Look at my body move, it'z like a shadow or a ghost Boo! Look at my body move Uh huh! Look at my body move Uh huh! Let me dance you Yes! Do you really care who seez? No! Look at my body move Do it! Oh yes! Pretend you are the cat (Meow, meow!) Make your body move like the serpent (Fresh!) Lazër will teach you the way that you must do the dance Everybody dance for Lazër! I want to do the Night Movez I want to lose control And tonight when no one'z looking No meanz yes and yes meanz no Everybody get on the floor And if you want it Lazër can be giving you more Let me see you wiggle and shake Act like a leopard or pretend you're a snake Everybody dance all around And if you want to you can drop your clothez on the ground Nobody can tell you to stop 'Cauze Lazër makez the party unbelievably hot Ah ha ha ha! You all seem so scared! Dance! Dance, dance! I am like a shadow Dance! You are like a ghost Dance! Let'z take down the undiez Oh yes! I want to do the Night Movez I want to lose control And tonight when no one'z looking No meanz yes and yes meanz no Solo! You see? Dancing iz like rock and roll. The body must be played like the guitar. Lazër iz wanting for you all to play your guitarz real awesomely. Oh yes! Why iz you being the scaredy kitten? If you did not want to make the dance, why iz you listening to the Lazër? Anyone who iz not making a dance will be shot… execution style! Rock-n-roll! Lose control!
10.
Hi, I’m Gideon with another commercial disguised as music news. I'm backstage at the Lazër concert. First, they showed us how they party. Then, they taught us their moves. Now, they want to unite the globe with the universal language of dance. Hey guys! Excuse me miss, have you seen the guys from Lazër? Um, who wants to know? I'm their tour manager. Read the laminate, darlin.' Oh, sorry! I think they're still in their dressing room. Arg! Thank you. Dad gum foreigners don't got no kinda sense! Hey guys! I didn't bring you over here to have you horsin' around! Come on, now! The show's starting without you! Where the hell'd y'all find reefer?!? We've got well over nine people out here to see y'all! Hammel, get up! I'm ashamed of you! Ahahaha, you make a fart, fat man! Briso, shut up! Put on your Speedo and get on out there, now! Get out here now! Fart man. Hello to USA! We're baaaaaack! We've never been here, idiot. Oh. Name for this song iz "Dance for Racizm." Nobody can tell what color iz you when you dance much fastly! Lazër breakz the rulez and lawz Cutting rugz like dancing sawz Nobody can see your flawz When you're dancing for the cauze If we do not come together Stormy lightning, thunder weather We can make the fun forever When we dance each other better Slide, move your feet one time Glide, to the funky rhyme Ride, let your booty grind I'd, take you from behind Move, let your body go You've, made my sexy grow Prove, dancing that you know Groove, to the funky flow Everybodiez, show the dancez from your culture. Spanish peoplez, do the sexy pelican dance or whatever! Briso, I think it iz named 'flamenco.' Oh yes, do the flamingo! Wheelchair people, spin around or pop the wheeliez! Wheelchairz is not a race, Briso. Asianz, stop doing the homeworkz and make a dance! Black people, please help out other racez. All the white peoplez, please stay in padded areaz! Lazër breaks the rulez and lawz Cutting rugs like dancing sawz Nobody can see your flawz When you’re dancing for the cauze If we do not come together Stormy lightning, thunder weather We can make the fun forever When we dance each other better Slide, move your feet one time Glide, to the funky rhyme Ride, let your booty grind I'd, take you from behind Move, let your body go You've, made my sexy grow Prove, your love to me! Yeah! Sounds like that trio of European bean poles is well on the way to accomplishing their goals. Now it’s time for Music News to accomplish ours. Kids, try not to think too much, we’ll do that for you. And remember girls, this year’s look is fake boobs and group sex. For Music News, I’m Gideon. Go Lazër, go Lazër, go! Go Lazër, go Lazër, go! Go Lazër, go Lazër, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go Lazër, go Lazër, go! Go Lazër, go Lazër, go! Go Lazër, go Lazër, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Now you know what iz "Dance for Racism." Next time you are wanting to hate a person from other race, make a dance with them instead! Thank you, Wichita Fallz! Goodnight!
11.
03:24
Uh, Briso? I'm not seeing too much girlz out here. Ahhhh, keep driving. Can this car even fit girlz if we find them? I think it hold four in the back, two if they iz fat. Now pump up the jamz. Briso, there iz no girlz and I am wanting to be hungry. Hammel, I promise I buy you snack if no girlz come in ten more kilometerz. Get off the road, granny! See, you idiot? You iz making me drive too slow. Be patience, I know there iz hot babez coming. "I know there is hot babes coming." How do you know? Because we... hey, I think some girl iz making flashy lightz for us to slow down! Oh, poop! See, I tell you we get the babez! It is not girlz, dummy. We iz getting pulled over by copz. Pleaze no ticket for Hammel. Don't be worry-wart, we can bribe him. I have pot in glove department! No, you idiot, cloze that up! You iz going to get us arrested! And turn the music off. God! Freaking idiot! Don't call me namez... asshead. Alright, just sit there and be quiet, I do the talking. If we get ticket I'm not buying you snackz. Shut up! You want me to cut him? I have knife. Shut up! Good evening, gentlemen. You know why I pulled you over? Because we iz getting too much hot babez? Briso, I told you shut up! He he he he. Well, not exactly. Lord knows that ain't no crime. Nah, see, I clocked you boys doin' a 15 in a 60. Now, is there some kind of problem with the vehicle? Oh! We sorry, officer! I go many faster now! Not so fast. Mind if I see your driver's license? Ah, fine. Say, you boys ain't from 'round here, are ya? Rhineland, huh? That anywhere near Portland? Um... no? He he he he. Little joke, that's all. Thank you for the funny joke. We can go now, yes? I'll decide when you can go, boy. Now unfortunately, you boys weren't doing anything I can ticket you for, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. But you need to get the lead out. I don't know how you people drive in your country, but over here we have minimum speed limits. Hey, you people? What the f... And put some pants on, too. Y'all look like a couple of butt pirates. Hey! What doez that mean? Goodnight, gentlemen. That son of a... oh, uh... say, excuze me, officer? Uh, just one more thing. Oh yeah, what's that? Uh, what iz your policy on awesome burnouts?
12.
04:22
There's always some motorist who's going to do some crazy fool thing! Speeding and reckless driving! Bad driving attitude! Reckless driving is a sin! Well, I guess I carried things a little too far! M-M-M-Much fast! Bad driving attitude! Pr-Pr-Pr-Premium gas! We go... Much fast! We uze... Premium gas! Your car... Iz trash! We get... Hot ass! Cops can... Not catch! There iz... No match! Slowpokez... We pass! We don't... Make crash! Attention all units: We have an all-points-bulletin on a silver '80s model sports car, with plates reading, “Lima, Alpha, Zulu, Echo, Romeo.” Passengers are described as two twenty-something white males, both over 6'3”. Each is known to possess dangerous levels of raw sensuality, rugged manliness, and hypnotic dance moves. Suspects can be readily identified by their striking good looks and enormous packages. Officers are advised to use extreme caution in approaching these beefcakes. Pull up beside, we peel out eazy Your girl go with us 'cauze you so cheezy First we drive to many destination Then we stop for back seat copulationz 'Cause she lovez the dancefloor warlordz Her pantiez is on the floorboardz Go to your house, eat all your food Lazër iz the awesomest dudez We go... Much fast! We uze... Premium gas! Your car... Iz trash! We get... Hot ass! Cops can... Not catch! There iz... No match! Slowpokez... We pass! We don't... Make crash! Attention all units: The suspects have been positively identified by an employee at the Quick Stop on Highway 10. The men are wearing red and blue Speedos and are in possession of a large quantity of beef jerky. The clerk also witnessed the suspects attempting to lure women into their vehicle by flexing and making lewd gestures with their gyrating haunches. Boys, bring these sexy biatches in... so I can bend 'em over and book 'em. Oh my God! Is this thing still on? Hit the turbo, fuel injection Forward and reverse direction Gone in 60 secondz, wuss? I'm 3 Fast, 3 Furious Glass pack, fog lamp, dual-exhaust Overdrive, we spare no cost Change into a van in traffic Dun duh-dun duh-dun, Inspector Gadget Bucket seatz inside your Type-R? I have hottub inside my car Fifth gear, redline, super motor Windshield wiper, gas tank floater 24" rims and TV? Still not bigger than my pee-pee You have toy car, make me laugh This car iz a hovercraft We go... Much fast! We uze... Premium gas! Your car... Iz trash! We get... Hot ass! Oh no! Briso, the copz! Not catch! Yes, they can catch! They iz right behind us! No match! Stop singing you idiot! Police! Pull over! We pass! Briso, please shut up! You iz distracting me! I can't concentrate! Make crash!

credits

released May 23, 2005

Produced & Arranged by Hammel for Sneaky Productionz
Recorded by Keinhorst at Whale Voice Studioz

GUILTY PARTIEZ:
Hammel: Beatz + Vocalz
Briso: Vocalz
Ice von Shredula: Guitarz, Keyboardz
Keinhorst: Engineeringz
King Jon/Lazër Crow: Securitiez

Published by Sneaky Productionz (ASCAP)
© 2005 Whale Voice Entertainment/Sneaky Productionz, LLC

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