Let Me Dance You

by LAZËR

supported by
George Jacobellis
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George Jacobellis Probably the funniest CD I have ever heard Favorite track: The Führer'z Decree.
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credits

released May 23, 2005

Produced & Arranged by Hammel for Sneaky Productionz
Recorded by Keinhorst at Whale Voice Studioz

GUILTY PARTIEZ:
Hammel: Beatz + Vocalz
Briso: Vocalz
Ice von Shredula: Guitarz, Keyboardz
Keinhorst: Engineeringz
King Jon/Lazër Crow: Securitiez

Published by Sneaky Productionz (ASCAP)
© 2005 Whale Voice Entertainment/Sneaky Productionz, LLC

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LAZËR Rhineland, Missouri

Most Danger Band on the Planet.

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Track Name: Intro (The Sonz of Rhineland)
There is something evil here...
There is something evil here...
It is only beginning...

In the future, a crow will be born
A crow with a "lazër eye"
Many will try to harness its powers
But only three will be sexy and dangerous enough to keep him
Briso... Hammel... Keinhorst...
Together, they form Lazër
And as such, these "Sonz of Rhineland"
Work to uphold the integrity of the dance

Lazër breaks the rules and laws,
Cutting rugs like dancing saws
Track Name: Lazër Party Countdown
Attention dancing slavez:
Lazër iz surveillancing you from helicopter
We command for you to begin dancez before we land
Or suffer a fate or our choozing
Dance now!

Oh no, excuze me, Lazër iz needing for you to get off the helipad
We cannot land the chopper
Please do not dance right there
No, not right there slavez. Yes, move pleaze
Thank you, that'z better

T-Minus 20 seconds and counting

The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
Countdown

Eight... Warning!
Seven... Heating!
Six... Smoking!
Five... Writhing!
Four... Burning!
Three... Melting!
Two...
Hammel, sound the alarm!

Lazër Party Countdown
Total system lockdown
Lazër Party Countdown
Sexy body meltdown

Attention dancing slavez:
There iz good newz and bad newz
Good newz iz Lazër iz sexy
Bad newz iz one of you will be a sacrifice

Pleaze can you do us a favor
And stop trying to be Lazër
You should have the good behavior
You can never be the Lazër
If you are the Lazër hater
Keinhorst sting you with the tazer
Then we get the gun with lazër
Shoot like Indiana Pacer

The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
The Lazër Party
Countdown

Eight... Warning!
Seven... Heating!
Six... Smoking!
Five... Writhing!
Four... Burning!
Three... Melting!
Two...
Briso, sound the alarm!

Lazër Party Countdown
Total system lockdown
Lazër Party Countdown
Sexy body meltdown
Track Name: Lazër Crow
Weapon activated

Do not anger the crow
This crow bringz danger, 'cauze this crow haz lazër
This crow iz not a movie
Lazër Crow iz a doozy

Do not look in eye of Crow
Lazër iz in eye of Crow
You should like the Lazër
Or Crow doez not like you
Crow iz only taking order from Lazër

Do not anger
The crow making dangerz
Because this crow
Iz only crow
With lazër

Hey, stop! Keinhorst, stop the muzikz. Yes, stop the beat.
This line iz much better if it'z just Briso.
Uh, no. We trade off every line. Stick to formula, Briso.
Well, new formula: Hammel = shut up, Briso = sexy.
Keinhorst, do a rewind.
No! Keinhorst, no! Damn it Keinhorst, turn it off!
Give me the microphone, Briso. No!
Ow! No! Ow, get off me!
Ah, you bit me! Ah, you idiot! You knock over my Segway!

Caw! Caw!

Oh, no. Get up!
Oh, yeah. Crow, we just playing around. Yeah, just for fun. It'z a play-fight.
Yeah, yeah. We ready to go again, we ready to record.

Caw! Caw!

Peck, bite, kill, strike
Lazër muzik, you should like
Peck, bite, kill, strike
Lazër muzik, you should like

Crow iz biting, Crow iz hurting
Crow iz biting, Crow iz hurting
This crow iz not a movie
Lazër Crow iz a doozy

Crow give you two secondz to decide if you like the Lazër
He hover in front of you
You decide wrong choice
Crow shoot lazër and peck you!

Caw!

Do not anger
The crow iz making the danger
Everybody must dance for the crow, or the crow will strike you!
Dance! Dance! Dance, dance!
Now you must dance for Crow!
Dance! Dance, dance! Dance!
Now you must dance for Crow!
Dance!

Caw! Caw!

Crow doez not care about your family!
Track Name: The Führer'z Decree
Oh, yes, it's very dirty right there. Clean it. Yes, good. That is good, right there.

Who is it? Idiot. Come in!

Mein Führer, our military patrols have discovered large amount of funky beats in hills of Rhineland! The townspeople is saying the beats is coming from a castle occupied by a squadron called… "Lazër."

General, why must you pester me with these... trivialities? Can't you see I'm being bathed by two plump whores?

Where else should I be washing you, mein Führer?

Silence you overweight trollop! Get me more grapes, slut. General, who are these "Lazërs" you speak of?

We have very little informations at this point. Lazër is a mysterious group, and there castle is shrouded in... shrouds.

Shrouded in shrouds? Don’t you mean "shrouded in mystery?"

Well, yes, but I already said they were a "mysterious" group, so I wasn’t wanting to be redundant. Anyway, their music is floating down the mountains and bringing joy to the impoverished masses we have worked so hard to oppress. The council has declared Lazër a threat to our regime.

General, it is seeming your memory fails you. My tanks crushed all forms of happiness in the early years of the regime. There is no music left.

Forgive me, Führer, but I hear this music with mein own ear! These are most funky beats in Europe! We must quell this uprising immediately to prevent the spread of hope among the people.

Hmmmmmmmmm… Clean around more on this side, yes. Over here, yes.

Mein Führer? The army awaits your command!

And where the hell are my grapes?

Führer?! Time is of the essence!

Silence! This calls for a more severe punishment. Send in the Nazi Pirates!

Ah… very good! You are one of my best sluts. These are seedless grapes, right?
Track Name: ¡Danger! (Lazër Under Siege)
Briso, have you seen Keinhorst? We were supposed to play Dance Dance Revolution today.

Be quiet, I'm trying to cook my TV dinner. Where iz the door on this microwaver?

That iz not microwaver you buttwipe, it iz radar machine.

Oh yeah, then why did it just make a "beep beep?"

What?! It made a beep? Move your Salisbury steak off the screen.

Um… Hammel? Why iz a giant swastika moving at our house?

That iz formation used by the Fürher'z Nazi piratez!

Oh, poop.

Quick, go and wake the crow. Find Keinhorst and tell him to raize the drawbridge.

You want to fight the Lazër
We cut you up like razor
Your mission now in danger
Abort it with coat hanger
We are bad guy eraserz
Like Arnold Schwarzenegger'z
You'll never beat the Lazër
And kidz, don't talk to strangerz!

Come on Crow, pleaze awake now
Come on Crow, help us fight now
Come on Crow, Jesus Christo
Come on Crow, wake for Briso
I know, I know, last time I joke you
But this time Naziz really broke through!
Come on Crow, we need you to fly
And shoot everybody with your lazër eye!

Stop it!

You have to fight for Lazër
You have to bring the danger
You have to uze the anger
You have to be the savior
Come on Crow, pleaze awake now
Come on Crow, help us fight now
Come on Crow, you're the best now
Come on Cro… oh poop!

Don't do that.

Lazër, this iz Hammel. I am hanging from ropez in the belfry. I killed 25 Nazi Piratez by pouring acid on them. Keinhorst, what iz your status?

Um… Hammel? This iz Briso. I think I saw Keinhorst swimming in the moat dressed like alligator.

Keinhorst, respond! How many Nazi Piratez did you kill?

I saw him eating a lot of drugz. I think he probably scared some of the Naziz away.

Well tell him to get up here. The radar showz there iz more wavez of Naziz approaching, and it iz looking like the Führer iz with them! Briso, how many did you kill?

Uh… I don't know, I spend 20 minutez trying to awake the crow.

Look, just get him some grubbywormz from the jar on my bureau next to the lotion. Oh no, there'z the Führer!

Now I must kill the Lazër
They give me so much anger
After I shoot you wankerz
I’ll find your mom and spank her
Call me the Terminator
Like Arnold Schwarzenegger
Your crow won't bring the danger
Keinhorst iz alligator!

Destroy them!

No! No! Mein Führer!

Oh, no! Ah! Ah!

Caw! Caw!

Ah! Aaaaaaaah!!!

Caw! Caw!

Lazër, it lookz like we've driven the Naziz away. Good job guyz. Report to me now with your status.

Caw! Caw!

What'z that? You killed 250 Naziz, Crow? Great job. Briso, what about you?

I cannot believe it, me and Lazër Crow killed 250 bad guyz.

Right, Crow told me he killed 250, but how many did you kill?

You're breaking up. I’m sorry, I have to go now.

Whatever. Keinhorst, how many did you kill? Keinhorst, report! Keinhorst?!?
Track Name: Fragile Earz
Keinhorst? It's me Briso.
I can't believe you drown in the moat when we were fighting Naziz.
Me and Hammel iz wishing you were still being here.
Our inside partz iz hurting so bad to be with you.
But I know you are floating with Mr. God in outer space right now.
And one day, you will become the awesome skeleton.
And one day also, me and Hammel will be the skeletonz.
And that iz only reason we still are having any hope to be alive.

Just today, I hear somebody say
My friend, Keinhorst, iz not alive
It's not fair, to say this to my fragile earz
I tell myself that you are not dead
But instead you are very dead

Fragile earz (fragile earz)
My fragile earz (hiz fragile earz)
I can't believe what my eyez can see
So you tell to me again (tell to me again)
Fragile earz (fragile earz)
Can't fight the tearz (can't fight the tearz)
Becauze you die, I have to cry
But I am not the gay (he iz not the gay)

Briso said he found your body dead
This cannot be, you're just asleep becauze you overdosed on speed
But... somehow I feel, this time it'z real deal
You're gone for good, and I wish you would
Come back, but not az a ghost, I'm afraid of ghostz

Fragile earz (fragile earz)
My fragile earz (thoze fragile earz)
I can't believe what my eyes can see
So you tell to me again (tell to me again)
Fragile earz (fragile earz)
Can't fight the tearz (can't fight the tearz)
Becauze you die, I have to cry
But Hammel iz not the gay (Hammel iz not the gay)

I wish you were here, but you're dead, but I love you

Keinhorst, it'z me Hammel.
Um, you know... this waz not a best time for you to die for me.
Um, number A, I waz supposedly to get that rematch in DDR.
I guess I am having to consider this a forfeit.
Uh, number B, you left all your stuff to the crow.
I gotta be honest, I'm having a hard time with this one.

Caw!

Ugh. The crow sayz, "Hi," by the way.
Uh, number C... uh... um... damn it! My paper'z all wet now.
But, who carez anyway, that iz all "bridge under the water."
I remember all the fun timez we made,
Like when you did heroin and I made a trick that I was the witch in your clozet.
And... ow! I think I stepped on jellyfish!
Okay, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, Keinhorst.

Hammel, come quick! I find a Jawz! Be quiet your mouth, Jawz.

Briso, stop it! Hey, stop it! Quit hitting him! It'z not a shark you idiot, this iz beached whale. He'z endanger. Here, help me push him back in ocean.

Beached whale iz heavy!

There you go, Mr. Whale, you're free. Make a swim to your home.

Goodbye, Jawz.

Thanks guys! Wanna ride me around for a while?

Umm, well, hmmm...
Yes.
Track Name: The Whale Song
Hammel, are you sure it iz safe to be riding whale in ocean?

I think the whale knowz what he iz doing.

Um, okay, but I get to ride on front.

Okay, I don't care.

Hang on tight, it's gonna be slippery! You might wanna hang onto my fin.

Whoa!

What the fish iz you doing, whale? Do we look like we have gillz?

Oh, my bad, wussies. I'll keep your heads above water from here on.

Ah! That seagull just made a crap on me!

Who carez? Look how fast we iz going! Woo hoo!

Oh look, a manatee! You were right, Hammel, this iz the best!

It'z so fun, it'z like, so much fun, it'z like weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I know, it'z awesome! Sorry I punch you, Jawz. I didn't know you were super fast!

Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh weeeeeeeeeeee!

Hey, Flipper! Where'z Jonathan Brandis?

I can't see Rhineland anymorez. How far are we going, Hammel?

I don't know. Why don't you ask the whale?

Hey Jawz! Jawz! Doez he have earz?

Of course he doez, but they're underwaterz. Hold on, I think he iz making a stop.

Oh, that was so fun! Thank you for the ride!

Yes, I love you, Jawz! But now we can be going home, yes?

First of all, I'm not a shark you idiot. Secondly, I'm gonna take a little detour down to the Gulf of Mexico if you don't mind. Got a little she-whale I need to holler at down there.

Um, we iz really needing to get back to Rhineland.

Oh my God, he'z a monster Hammel!

Okay, sure! We go see your friend first. Good idea!

Well, actually, I'll need some privacy, so I'm gonna drop you guys off on the beach. Now I'm gonna dive really deep, so hold your breath. If you need air, just put your face in my blowhole and suck. Hold oooooooooon!

Wait, Jawz! When iz you coming back for us?

I don't think he'z coming back.

Oh, no!
Track Name: Interlude (Lazër Takez America)
You have one unheard message. First message:

Hey there, Lane Rackets, Whale Voice Records. Listen, everybody here at the label's really excited to have Lazër on board, but we haven't seen you boys for a couple of weeks, and that advance money you got came on the condition that you hold up your end of the deal. So if you could, give me a holler. Let's set up some time for you boys to get in the studio with our engineers and make a hit record. Hell, this week, Jared from Subway was in here for a few hours with his new industrial band... amazing stuff! Speakin' of, I'm thinkin' of gettin' y'all together for a little collabo. Ah... I'm sorry, I'm puttin' the cart in front of the horse. For now, let's just focus on you guys. Call me.

(End of messages)

Hello. I'm the old fart you heard at the beginning of the record. Well, Briso and Hammel have signed a record deal in Texas after being taken for a ride by what I can only assume was a sperm whale. Unfortunately, Keinhorst didn't make it, but I'm not sure he did much anyway. The real question is: What are they going to do without their beloved mascot and bodyguard, Lazër Crow? Ah, the hell with it! I'm drunk. Hammel! Hit me with the drums! Oh snap! This beat is dumb nice. Uh! Uhhhhh! I'm feeling you Hammel, I'm feeling you. Oooh! Damn, that's hot! Good lord, man! This beat go hard. Ya heard me? Holla at ya boy.
Track Name: Night Movez
Sneaky sneak, smoothy smooth.
Sneaky sneak, smoothy smooth.
Sneaky sneak, smoothy smooth.
Sneaky sneak... oh yes!

The Rhineland government haz sent Lazër to your discothequez.
We are ambassadorz for dancing.
Americanz iz too buzy trying to dance and be the cool,
So now we are having to show you... Night Movez.

Dance! Dance, dance!
Dance! Dance, dance!
Dance! Dance, dance!
Dance for Lazër!

I want to do the Night Movez
I want to lose control
And tonight when no one'z looking
No meanz yes and yes meanz no

Look at my body move, it'z like a shadow or a ghost
Boo!
Look at my body move
Uh huh!
Look at my body move
Uh huh!
Let me dance you
Yes!
Do you really care who seez?
No!
Look at my body move
Do it!
Oh yes!

Pretend you are the cat
(Meow, meow!)
Make your body move like the serpent
(Fresh!)
Lazër will teach you the way that you must do the dance
Everybody dance for Lazër!

I want to do the Night Movez
I want to lose control
And tonight when no one'z looking
No meanz yes and yes meanz no

Everybody get on the floor
And if you want it Lazër can be giving you more
Let me see you wiggle and shake
Act like a leopard or pretend you're a snake
Everybody dance all around
And if you want to you can drop your clothez on the ground
Nobody can tell you to stop
'Cauze Lazër makez the party unbelievably hot

Ah ha ha ha! You all seem so scared!
Dance! Dance, dance!
I am like a shadow
Dance!
You are like a ghost
Dance!
Let'z take down the undiez
Oh yes!

I want to do the Night Movez
I want to lose control
And tonight when no one'z looking
No meanz yes and yes meanz no

Solo!

You see? Dancing iz like rock and roll.
The body must be played like the guitar.
Lazër iz wanting for you all to play your guitarz real awesomely.
Oh yes!
Why iz you being the scaredy kitten?
If you did not want to make the dance, why iz you listening to the Lazër?
Anyone who iz not making a dance will be shot… execution style!

Rock-n-roll!
Lose control!
Track Name: Roofiez P.S.A.
(Snoring)

Hey, Briso! Up and at 'em, Chief!

No, Grandmomski, I don't want to... Ah! Wait.. who... who... who iz you?

Lane Rackets, Whale Voice Records. You forget me already?

Yes.

Haha. Well, listen, I bet you're wondering why I called you down here to the studio at the crack of dawn. See, it's the song "Lazër Date"… it's hilarious, great tune, great tune, but… well... we just feel that not every listener's gonna be clever enough to realize the roofies thing is all tongue-in-cheek. We need to have you record a P.S.A.... A little disclaimer, if you will.

Um… you want I record a commercial?

Riiiiight, it's a similar kind of setup. Don't worry, it'll be quick; in and out. You ready?

Um, well... okay... I guess...

Great, I'll just step over into the control room and we'll get started.

Okay Briso, now do a focus. 910%. There'z no "I" in team...

Okay, Briso. Let's run through this one time. Just uh… introduce yourself and address the roofies thing. I think you can manage it. Roll tape.

Um... okay. Hey everybody, it's Briso from Lazër here! I just am wanting to let you know that Lazër lovez roofiez!

Ha ha! He's a funny guy isn't he? Okay, this time it's for real.

Oh, you want I be more serious?

Ha ha ha, exactly! Take two, rolling.

Hello, I am Briso from Lazër. Roofiez iz good.

Okay Briso, I know you like to joke, but we're burning daylight here. Studio time isn't free. Work with me here. Now, we've got you introducing yourself, so just say, "Roofies are no joke," or something, and we'll be done. Take three. Roll it.

Roofiez are no joke or something.

I don't know, he's an artist, what can you do? Alright Briso, I can see you're not in the mood to cooperate today. We'll reschedule this for another time.

No! I do it good now, I promise! Roll the tapez.

Fine, do it.

Hello, it iz Briso from Lazër. I am wanting to tell you roofiez iz best candy around! Oh man, that iz perfect! That'z a wrap.

Damn it man! You know they aren't candy, right?

Um... yes.

Well you sure as hell don’t sound like it! Look, you don't eat them. Guys use them to make girls fall asleep so they can rape them.

Ohhhh, yes! I get, now I get! I do how you iz wanting. Here, I show you:
Hey, kidz! I'm Briso, and Lazër iz wanting to tell you that roofiez make girls fall asleep, so you can rape them!

Ahhhhh! Idiot! Date rape is not good, it's bad! Roofies are bad! If you don't do this right we're gonna have to take the song off the record. Do you understand?

Roofiez is bad?

Yes, that’s it! Say that again!

That again.

No, say, "Roofies are bad," again.

Roofiez are bad again.

God, you stupid son of a… Ah forget it, we’ll just edit it. Cut! Get that dumb bastard out of the booth.
Track Name: Lazër Date
By following these simple rules, all dating can be fun!

Um, Hammel? You remember that hot babe I drive to the airport? Waz that a date?

Uh, Briso, that waz your cousin.

Oh yeah, I forgot... I mean, I waz just joking.

One to the two
Three and to the four
Lazër getz the girlz
The rich and the poor
All of the girlz
They know who we are
L to the A
The Z-Ë-R

These American girlz
They want to go out with us
They want to go out with us
Becauze we have money

Hey, turn it up in my headphonez!
50 grand I nail this in one take!
Yup!

You live in squalor
But you are pretty
I have a race car
I pick you up
We go to picnic
But you are nervous
You try a sandwich
It calmz you down
We go for shopping
You want a coffee
I buy you necklace
You like it more
I give you chocolate
You say it'z tasty
I say you're tasty
We laugh out loud

A ha ha ha ha ha!
A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
A ha ha ha ha ha!
A ha ha ha ha ha!

These American girlz
They want to go out with us
They want to go out with us
Becauze we have money

Lazër iz sneaky sneak
Lazër iz sneaky sneak
Lazër iz sneaky sneak
Lazër iz smoothy smooth

Lazër, we make the move
Lazër, we make the move
Lazër, we make the move
In chapter two

We go to moviez
I buy a popcornz
You sit next to me
You want to kiss me
You dressing slutty
We go for clubbing
You let me dance you
I grab your tushy
You make a mean face
But I am joking
'Cauze I am funny
I give you candy
It'z named a roofie
You looking sleepy
We go to my place
And go to bed

Uh, uh!
Uh, uh!
Uh, uh!
Uhh Uhh!
Uh, uh!
Uh, uh!
Uh, uh!
Uhh Uhhhhh!
Track Name: Dance for Racizm (Live)
Hi, I’m Gideon with another commercial disguised as music news. I'm backstage at the Lazër concert. First, they showed us how they party. Then, they taught us their moves. Now, they want to unite the globe with the universal language of dance.

Hey guys! Excuse me miss, have you seen the guys from Lazër?

Um, who wants to know?

I'm their tour manager. Read the laminate, darlin.'

Oh, sorry! I think they're still in their dressing room.

Arg! Thank you. Dad gum foreigners don't got no kinda sense!

Hey guys! I didn't bring you over here to have you horsin' around!

Come on, now! The show's starting without you!

Where the hell'd y'all find reefer?!? We've got well over nine people out here to see y'all! Hammel, get up! I'm ashamed of you!

Ahahaha, you make a fart, fat man!

Briso, shut up! Put on your Speedo and get on out there, now!

Get out here now! Fart man.

Hello to USA!

We're baaaaaack!

We've never been here, idiot.

Oh. Name for this song iz "Dance for Racizm."

Nobody can tell what color iz you when you dance much fastly!

Lazër breakz the rulez and lawz
Cutting rugz like dancing sawz
Nobody can see your flawz
When you're dancing for the cauze
If we do not come together
Stormy lightning, thunder weather
We can make the fun forever
When we dance each other better

Slide, move your feet one time
Glide, to the funky rhyme
Ride, let your booty grind
I'd, take you from behind
Move, let your body go
You've, made my sexy grow
Prove, dancing that you know
Groove, to the funky flow

Everybodiez, show the dancez from your culture.

Spanish peoplez, do the sexy pelican dance or whatever!

Briso, I think it iz named 'flamenco.'

Oh yes, do the flamingo! Wheelchair people, spin around or pop the wheeliez!

Wheelchairz is not a race, Briso. Asianz, stop doing the homeworkz and make a dance!

Black people, please help out other racez.

All the white peoplez, please stay in padded areaz!

Lazër breaks the rulez and lawz
Cutting rugs like dancing sawz
Nobody can see your flawz
When you’re dancing for the cauze
If we do not come together
Stormy lightning, thunder weather
We can make the fun forever
When we dance each other better

Slide, move your feet one time
Glide, to the funky rhyme
Ride, let your booty grind
I'd, take you from behind
Move, let your body go
You've, made my sexy grow
Prove, your love to me! Yeah!

Sounds like that trio of European bean poles is well on the way to accomplishing their goals. Now it’s time for Music News to accomplish ours. Kids, try not to think too much, we’ll do that for you. And remember girls, this year’s look is fake boobs and group sex. For Music News, I’m Gideon.

Go Lazër, go Lazër, go!
Go Lazër, go Lazër, go!
Go Lazër, go Lazër, go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go Lazër, go Lazër, go!
Go Lazër, go Lazër, go!
Go Lazër, go Lazër, go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Now you know what iz "Dance for Racism."

Next time you are wanting to hate a person from other race, make a dance with them instead!

Thank you, Wichita Fallz! Goodnight!
Track Name: Johnny Law
Uh, Briso? I'm not seeing too much girlz out here.

Ahhhh, keep driving.

Can this car even fit girlz if we find them?

I think it hold four in the back, two if they iz fat. Now pump up the jamz.

Briso, there iz no girlz and I am wanting to be hungry.

Hammel, I promise I buy you snack if no girlz come in ten more kilometerz.

Get off the road, granny!

See, you idiot? You iz making me drive too slow.

Be patience, I know there iz hot babez coming.

"I know there is hot babes coming." How do you know?

Because we... hey, I think some girl iz making flashy lightz for us to slow down!

Oh, poop!

See, I tell you we get the babez!

It is not girlz, dummy. We iz getting pulled over by copz. Pleaze no ticket for Hammel.

Don't be worry-wart, we can bribe him. I have pot in glove department!

No, you idiot, cloze that up! You iz going to get us arrested! And turn the music off. God! Freaking idiot!

Don't call me namez... asshead.

Alright, just sit there and be quiet, I do the talking.

If we get ticket I'm not buying you snackz.

Shut up!

You want me to cut him? I have knife.

Shut up!

Good evening, gentlemen. You know why I pulled you over?

Because we iz getting too much hot babez?

Briso, I told you shut up!

He he he he. Well, not exactly. Lord knows that ain't no crime. Nah, see, I clocked you boys doin' a 15 in a 60. Now, is there some kind of problem with the vehicle?

Oh! We sorry, officer! I go many faster now!

Not so fast. Mind if I see your driver's license?

Ah, fine.

Say, you boys ain't from 'round here, are ya? Rhineland, huh? That anywhere near Portland?

Um... no?

He he he he. Little joke, that's all.

Thank you for the funny joke. We can go now, yes?

I'll decide when you can go, boy. Now unfortunately, you boys weren't doing anything I can ticket you for, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. But you need to get the lead out. I don't know how you people drive in your country, but over here we have minimum speed limits.

Hey, you people? What the f...

And put some pants on, too. Y'all look like a couple of butt pirates.

Hey! What doez that mean?

Goodnight, gentlemen.

That son of a... oh, uh... say, excuze me, officer? Uh, just one more thing.

Oh yeah, what's that?

Uh, what iz your policy on awesome burnouts?
Track Name: Hot Pursuit
There's always some motorist who's going to do some crazy fool thing!
Speeding and reckless driving!
Bad driving attitude!
Reckless driving is a sin!
Well, I guess I carried things a little too far!
M-M-M-Much fast!
Bad driving attitude!
Pr-Pr-Pr-Premium gas!

We go... Much fast!
We uze... Premium gas!
Your car... Iz trash!
We get... Hot ass!
Cops can... Not catch!
There iz... No match!
Slowpokez... We pass!
We don't... Make crash!

Attention all units: We have an all-points-bulletin on a silver '80s model sports car, with plates reading, “Lima, Alpha, Zulu, Echo, Romeo.” Passengers are described as two twenty-something white males, both over 6'3”. Each is known to possess dangerous levels of raw sensuality, rugged manliness, and hypnotic dance moves. Suspects can be readily identified by their striking good looks and enormous packages. Officers are advised to use extreme caution in approaching these beefcakes.

Pull up beside, we peel out eazy
Your girl go with us 'cauze you so cheezy
First we drive to many destination
Then we stop for back seat copulationz
'Cause she lovez the dancefloor warlordz
Her pantiez is on the floorboardz
Go to your house, eat all your food
Lazër iz the awesomest dudez

We go... Much fast!
We uze... Premium gas!
Your car... Iz trash!
We get... Hot ass!
Cops can... Not catch!
There iz... No match!
Slowpokez... We pass!
We don't... Make crash!

Attention all units: The suspects have been positively identified by an employee at the Quick Stop on Highway 10. The men are wearing red and blue Speedos and are in possession of a large quantity of beef jerky. The clerk also witnessed the suspects attempting to lure women into their vehicle by flexing and making lewd gestures with their gyrating haunches. Boys, bring these sexy biatches in... so I can bend 'em over and book 'em. Oh my God! Is this thing still on?

Hit the turbo, fuel injection
Forward and reverse direction
Gone in 60 secondz, wuss?
I'm 3 Fast, 3 Furious
Glass pack, fog lamp, dual-exhaust
Overdrive, we spare no cost
Change into a van in traffic
Dun duh-dun duh-dun, Inspector Gadget
Bucket seatz inside your Type-R?
I have hottub inside my car
Fifth gear, redline, super motor
Windshield wiper, gas tank floater
24" rims and TV?
Still not bigger than my pee-pee
You have toy car, make me laugh
This car iz a hovercraft

We go... Much fast!
We uze... Premium gas!
Your car... Iz trash!
We get... Hot ass!
Oh no! Briso, the copz!
Not catch!
Yes, they can catch! They iz right behind us!
No match!
Stop singing you idiot!
Police! Pull over!
We pass!
Briso, please shut up! You iz distracting me! I can't concentrate!
Make crash!